Meaning of Christmas

Every year, Christmas means less and less to me. To me, it's just family dinner. I don't really do any extravagant Christmas celebration. Occasionally, friends gathering dinner. Breaking all those events down, it's all the same with a holiday twist.
I have friends dinner when it's one of our birthdays. I have family dinner when it's CNY or summer bbq at cousin's. It's all the same. Not that special. Maybe I am getting bored of these events.
Maybe I should go away for Christmas so it doesn't seem too repetitive.

Next Choice...

If I am getting a new laptop, I think I may have to go back to Windows.

I love Macbook and all but there are certain programs I would love to be able to use on my laptop and not restricted to my desktop.

I know about parallel desktop and bootcamp but it's still not sufficient enough.

Until then, I better not break my Macbook.

To be continued...

There are a couple of unfinished blogs still sitting in draft mode. Don't really have time to write stuff that's not homework related. Bleh...

I'll get to finish that... soon...

On the bright side, this blog is done. I got that going for me, which is nice.

2NE1 - 그리워해요 (MISSING YOU)

My favourite K-girl group is back with a beautiful and sad ballad.
The video is nothing flashy like their other videos.
You can feel the emotions from their stares and background piano.
A simple yet powerful piece.
CL's nude scene is not a sex appeal but more of an emotional symbol.
In the background, "If our love cease to be, that is the end of my world for me."
That's the pain and feeling of missing someone you love(d).
The world you once enjoyed and loved has fallen apart.
All that is left are hatred and sadness.
Only happiness comes from memories of the past.

The one below is with English lyrics. Awesome thanks to www.kashigasa.com for translation.

2NE1 - Missing You MV [Eng/Rom/Han] HD by LoveKpopSubs

T-ARA - Number 9

T-ara went through a lot over the years. I don't know whether the bullying claim was true or not, their songwriter can make music. Their title songs are catchy. Too bad, they still can't sing live consistently. I think the smaller number (original 6) of members fit them better. The girls such as Qri and Boram can actually sing more than one line. My bias is always Eunjung.

Core Contents Media can make great MVs for T-ara. However, management is always questionable. As before, there hasn't been any definite proofs; it's just netizen's research.

Antique Pictures

With the advanced technology in cameras or phones, you would think people would stop posting grainy pictures on Facebook or as profile pictures... Most smartphones exceed 5 MP on their lens; not including front-facing camera. Why do people insist on posting crappy quality pictures?

Is this a hipster thing?

Navi - Incurable Disease (Feat Kebee of Eluphant)

Never disappointed with ballad and rap, especially collaboration with Navi.

God = Devil

*WARNING*
Before people get mad at the topic, it's just my thoughts.
If people get upset easily or close-minded, leave now.
*/WARNING*


What if Devil is God in disguise?
He uses Devil as a name to tempt us to test our faith?
Or God and Devil are working together to sort the good and bad?
Will He help someone who is not strong-willed enough to fight the temptation?

G-DRAGON ft. 2NE1's CL - R.O.D @ SBS Inkigayo 130929

My favourite song from G-Dragon's Coup D'etat album.
It would be awesome if Lydia sang her part and danced with Quest crew during the performance.

習得性無助 (Learned helplessness)

Borrowed from mbalib.com

習得性無助是指人或動物接連不斷地受到挫折，便會感到自己對於一切都無能為力，喪失信心，陷入一種無助的心理狀態。

　　在現實生活中，那些長期經歷失敗的兒童，久病纏身的患者，無依無靠的老人。他們身上常常會出現 “習得性無助”的特征：當一個人發現無論他如何努力，無論他乾什麼，都以失敗而告終時，他就會覺得自己控制不了整個局面，於是，他的精神支柱就會瓦解。鬥志也隨之喪失。最終就會放棄所有努力，真的陷入絕望。

Kicked out...

Well, mom just barged in the room and threatened to kick me out of the house at the end of the year.
Yelled at me for going out and spend money while staying home and playing video games or internet.
That makes no sense at all.
It's not my fault that they make poor financial decisions without asking me; it's not the first time either.

Life sure is full of surprises.
Time to go house hunting.

4:20am

Once certain things are broken, leave it broken.
Touching it will only hurt oneself again.

Farewell

It seems like I have to leave my favourite diary/blog site.
Xanga, it was a good 6-7 years.
I was glad that I found a place to write private thoughts and personal open thoughts.
Xanga 2.0 won't be the same.
I am not paying to write my diary.
I just started a new place where they recommend.
We'll see how it goes.
Farewell, Xanga.
And thank you.

Monday

Not everybody likes Monday.
Work, school, first day of the week before the weekend, etc...
The only things I love about Monday, it's the Monday Couple and Running Man.
For me, Running Man is the longest running variety show that I've watched. Since the end of December of 2013, I've been watching and catching up past episodes. Some are fun and entertaining, some are less but good nonetheless. I've grown to love all the cast members; regardless, their strength and weakness in the game. Every Monday, I look forward to the subbed episodes. They have so many pairings and names for pairs/triplets. Monday couple is, of course, my favourite. Gary is acts very open and forward. Ji Hyo always rejects him and has a good laugh. To have an intact cast for so long, it doesn't happen often except in western soap operas or dramas.

Watching all these episodes with the Monday Couple pairing, like others, I want them to get together already. They are too cute together. Found this clip on the episode last week about Race Couple; it sums up their history and the last clip explains my own view on relationship.


*SPOILER ALERT!!! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED! DON'T BLAME ME!!!*


















*LAST WARNING!!!! SPOILER AHEAD!!!*



























"The fact that you have a partner is much valuable than gold."

NC.A (앤씨아) - My student teacher(교생쌤) (Drama ver.)

Manage to capture the clip during Running Man and found the song.
Short, cute song about love on a English student teacher.
Feels like this is my go-to genre for something non-hip hop.

Good Day

Having a good day makes my mood more relax.
Watching two 30-something years old ASM fight for computers like a bunch of kids and their funny antics towards each other.
Mend some fences with a friend.
My game arrived way early than expected.
Found more great Leessang music from Youtube Mix playlist.
I am loving Leessang more and more. Great hip-hop and sound.
Top it off with Running Man: Race Couple.
*Spoiler but expected*
MONDAY COUPLE~~~~
Good day. Can't complain. Thankful for such a day.

Faith in Happy Family Restored

I don't know too many families with young kids on a personal level.
I would say two friends only.
Since working with Mr. Cho, I feel alive with his stories about his family.
His daughter of 3 years old, Emma, is super cute.
Very shy but smile at us when we said hi to her.
Mrs. Cho is a very nice lady.
Everytime I listen to Mr. Cho's stories, I can feel the happy family.
His wife supports his expensive hobby and willing to compromise; that's really important in a family involving financial decision. Seeing his exciting smile, you can sense the happiness.
He loves his wife and willing to give her anything she wants.
Granted, he said she doesn't ask for a lot of things.
Still, that's love right there.
Compromise, understanding and care.
Both of them care about their daughter unconditionally.
He was letting Emma used the headset today; she kept saying hi to us. She is super adorable and beautiful.
Emma wouldn't even lend Mrs. Cho $1, that forces Mrs. Cho to break $50 bill. It's cute but frustrating to experience.

I would say they are a model family to look up to.
I honestly feel if there is a great family to shatter the poor portrait of current society in families, his family would for sure be the one.
All his stories, I can feel happiness and love. Family love.

If and when I have a family, I would do what Mr. Cho does.
Gives my wife anything she wants.
Do my best whether the baby is boy or girl.
Compromise, communication and care.
All I want is a happy family.
Who cares about being rich.
I think money is a substitute for people's void.
Emotional voids. Feelings. Attentions.

"No one remembers your effort, everyone remembers your mistakes."

Running Man - Planet 21

I have been looking forward for this episode of Running Man since they announced it.
2NE1 on Running Man!
2NE1 doesn't go on variety often compared to other groups. I read they only go once a year. Their appearance on RM is a long-waited return.

-=Mini Spoiler=-

The girls and cast members were portrayed as aliens from other planets fighting to collect water from Earth. 21 litres (2NE1) to be exact. They are maknaes when they come to variety programs.

Dara were nervous and shy but she was so cute with her antenna hair, not apple or tree hair. HaHa and Gary even mentioned receiving LTE wifi hotspot as a joke. Her antenna hair was so high that they have to open the skyroof to let her hair out without ruining it, hahahaha. I especially love her headband during YG HQ part of the show. After a quick search, the spike headband is by Daniel Palillo.

Bom was sporting her shorting hair and her face still feels different to me. I think she did her nose. She was very protective of Minzy against Kwang Soo.

CL was showing her intelligence during riddles solving missions. It was exciting to watch them fighting on the water platform.

Minzy probably stole the show with her female warrior power. She endured and beat Ace Hyo Ji during the water platform, beat Suk Jin one-on-one on same missions and showed her athletic skills throughout the show.

Taeyang also made an appearance but didn't really say a word, hahahaha.

Overall, it was a fun episode to watch. My favourite show and favourite girl group from Korea.
Click here and watch it on Dramafever, enjoy!

2NE1, DAEBAK!!!

Apparently, I am an ass...

Someone said I was being an ass to them today.
I wasn't hurt. Not one bit.
If I worked harder than you, did more stuff than you and called you out, there is a reason.
I know how busy a Sunday it can be.
I was preparing for the afternoon rush when you are off work.
Just because it is slow in the morning does not mean you can spend 5 minutes talking to customers at drive-thru while the cafe is busy with people.
Call me anything you want, talk to both assistant store managers.
I did it for the store, you did it for yourself.

Monday Love

Gary and Mongji's love...
So sweet when Gary said his feelings for 3.5 years.
Watch here: Episode 153 at DramaFever

Song during the Confession:
리쌍 LeeSSang - Can't Breakup Girl, Can't Breakaway Boy (feat. 정인 Jung In)

Running Man - Monday Couple Edition

Running Man is probably the only weekly show that's keep me happy.
The cast has great chemistry after 3 years.
Although I only started watching since New Year, I am hooked.
I went back and watched some older ones on Dramafever.
They have different guests almost every week. Some episodes span the time of two weeks. It's like part 1 and part 2.
Every member of RM has different strength and weakness, charm and bad side.
I don't want to get into each member as they are easily searched up.
Or just watch the show.

My favourite members are always the only girl in the cast, Song Ji Hyo (Ace), and Kang Gary; also known as Monday Couple. I need to start from the very beginning to witness the love of those two. They are so sweet together. Ji Hyo always acts so "annoyed" while Gary always shows his love. They are a great pair especially when they are always paired during missions. I am not surprised when fans and cast members always usher them to start dating.

Through this show, I expand more music genre. From HaHa's reggae to LeeSSang's (Gary and Gil) hip hop. LeeSSang's music is soft hip hop. It sort of reminds me of 90s hip hop; about love and life. Not sluts, money and violence.


Some wonderful and talented people put together a beautiful MV focusing on the Monday Couple. Well, clips from Ji Hyo and song by LeeSSang. I am glad Gary logged back into Ji Hyo.

Tears - LeeSSang ft. Eugene of SEEYA

Tears = Rain

It's a no brainer that people associate tears to rain.
People cry, tears drop.
The sky cry, rain drops.
There is a saying, "When you are happy, you enjoy the music. When you are sad, you understand the lyrics."
Even though, my lyrics are mostly Korean. The translation helps.
Songs involving rain does describe sad moments.
Coincident or not, titles with Rainy Days are sad but good ballads.

Beast - On Rainy Days




Ailee - Rainy Days




Skylar Grey was right,
"Cause everyday it rains here
Underneath that clear blue sky
Even though it's summer
All I hear is thunder
Underneath this clear blue sky"

As I look outside right now,
the beautiful sun is setting with clear blue sky.
Yet, my heart continues to pour heavy rain.

Memory wipe

We all had those moments we want to forget.
All the pain and regret that hold us back.
Our brain like to store mistakes more than success.
It's a way to make us learn from mistakes.
Yet, we all wished we could erase those.
Those moments that haunt you for a while.
Those feelings that make you inside hurt and cry.

Every now and then, I wished I would lose all my memories of the past and people to start fresh.
Meet people with my current self.
Live in a foreign place.
This is one of those time, I need a memory wipe.
Format of my hard drive and RAM.
The only thing reminds is this blog and diary.
So I can see how much I change every now and then.

Depression + Lonely = Suicide

After movie, CiCi and I had a brief talk about depression.
It turns out she almost took her own life four years ago.
As a close friend of her, I didn't even know about it.
She didn't plan anything. It was all impulsive.
It's shocking that I didn't know about this earlier.
I knew she had depression for a while even in high school.
I am proud of her that she tells this to everybody now and make awareness of it.
I am proud of her that she is owning her problems.
It sure is a big problem; it's similar to bully/cyber-bullying.

I remember when I went through similar situations.
I may not be as severe as CiCi; however, I can still relate to her.
When you experienced a sudden change, whether it was family, school, relationship, work or money, you feel like no one can help you.
You don't want to talk about it because you don't think they care about it or they will laugh at you.
You don't think you can trust them with the issue.
You may feel ashamed to talk about it.
You feel all alone and you are sitting in the darkness all by yourself.
The darker it gets, eerie feelings surround you.
Dark thoughts begin to consume you.
At that moment, I understand and know why some people attempted or even killed themselves.
I may not have reached the point of inflicting pain onto myself or others but I understand this issue better first hand.

No one is there to console you; no one is there to help you; no one is there to comfort you.
You are hopeless.
Suicide from emotions is usually long time brewing.
When your mentality can't take it anymore, you snap.
There is no planning, you just proceed what your mind tells you.
You isolate yourself even more unless someone stops and helps you.
Some unfortunate souls disappear into the world without people knowing.
All we need is someone to care and listen.
It sounds simple, yet, it's difficult to trust others to help us.
Be thankful, you have people like those around.
Be a good friend and listen to their problems.
One day, you may bring them out of their darkness and save their lives.
Because not everybody is that lucky.

Despicable Me 2 x2

I think I am in love the Minions and Agnes.
Yesterday, I watched Despicable Me 2 again.
I got a msg from a friend and surprised by the fact that she was free.
We decided to watch that as we promised earlier.
Second time watching it in a week was just as good.
Even though the storyline is still fresh in my mind, I still laughed at the silly antics by the Minions.
Agnes was so adorable, especially with the apple hair.
She is sweet and cute with a side of crazy when she sees something exciting.
I am starting to suspect Minions speak French or variation/slang.

Overall, it was good fun to watch again.

Skylar Grey - Don't Look Down

Another music gem from the underrated section.
Skylar Grey former known as Holly Brook.
She changed her image since becoming Skylar. She was the original singer for "Love the Way You Lie Pt.2." Her voice is soft and soulful. Majority of her songs may not be happy or rock but you can feel her soul in songs. Her album "Don't Look Down" is the first one under Skylar. Her songs are mostly sad but optimistic. I can't really describe what kind of genre but it's for the best. Soft listening is a good category.
I really love the album since it's soft and somewhat relaxing.
My go-to song currently is Clear Blue Sky.
It sort of describing my feelings right now.

But I’m not saying that I’m gonna start going to church
Not saying that I should pull it to work
Just saying for once I’m putting myself first
Putting myself first, putting myself first
So I'm leaving this town for good,
Gotta gotta get out of this neighbourhood
just like you never ever thought I could, 
Never thought I could, never thought that

I don’t wanna stay here
Cause everyday it rains here
Underneath that clear blue sky
Even though it’s summer
All I hear is thunder
Underneath this clear blue sky.

Despicable Me 2

I haven't smiled or laughed sincerely for however long it was. Today was an exception. This movie, Despicable Me 2, put a huge smile on my face and my heart. When I said some of my coworkers about the movie. Most of them said it's a kids' movie and it's childish. Well, Disney Pixar is gearing towards kids. However, it's also a family movie. I may not be watching with my family but I seem to enjoy it as much as the other audience. The movie brings laughter and heart-warming moments. It is especially cute when little kiddies in the audience try to make Minions' sound.

The movie is exactly what I expected from the first one. Making me smile throughout the movie. Minions are so cute. I always love the Minions since the first one. The time, they have more exposure due to their silliness. They are innocent and cute. I can never get tired of them.
Agnes was a great supporting character. She is just so adorable. If I ever have a daughter, I don't mind if she is like Agnes.
Just as the first one, I indulge myself into their antics. I can't seem to stop smiling like an idiot. I don't remember last time I was this happy. Probably, few years ago watching them for the first time.
I wouldn't mind to watch them again. Simple stuff like them sure put a smile on my face.

BANANA!

2NE1 - FALLING IN LOVE M/V

New single from 2NE1!
Dara now has blonde hair. She looks good. She looks younger with that colour.
Bom looks different... can't really put a finger on it.
Minzy and CL looks good as usually.

The video itself is more reggae than their fierce style. It has a soft and fun tone to it. It is slightly different from their big hits. It's a good tune for the summer, don't get me wrong, just not as catchy as first time hearing yet. Listen to it enough will sure get me hooked.

Bruno Mars - When I was your man

Lies

Am I lying so that people don't ask anymore questions?
Am I lying so that I can avoid facing the problems?
Am I lying so that I can lie to myself?
Am I lying so that I can run away again?
Or am I lying because I don't care anymore?

Summer Feel

Last two days and nights have been super hot in Vancouver standard.
Hitting around 27 or 28.
If gas is cheap, I would drive around with windows down. Since the leather seat is burning up my butt.
A couple of summer songs popped in my mind when true summer feel is here.

Mighty Mouth ft. Soya - Lalala


I can't believe this song is two years ago. The oversized whistle is still awesome. Along with memories two years ago.


Do As Infinity - Summer Days

Shopping Bug

Spent a lot of time on different websites browsing lately.
Usually look at accessories again.
This time for the phone and earrings. Kind of weird since I don't have any piercings.
I really need to find something else to do; good thing, my purchases aren't expensive or remotely high.
I need to save up for my trip. Must stop buying stuff.
Need to get rid of the shopping bug.

Must not buying impulse stuff for the month of July.

Looped Sleep

Went several days without music looping during sleep.
Now back to looping music.
P!nk's album is pretty good. It's not too rock to disrupt my sleep.
Granted, I can sleep through a rock/metal band playing.
I can sleep through routine Thursday neighbour lawn mowing.
My deep sleep sure is powerful.
Sometimes, I hate it when it caused me to miss certain things that I regretted later.
I have better control and timing of my sleep.
Maybe it's the routine hours of work and breaks.
It could be healthier body.
Who knows.
As sleep as I have my sleep, I am happy.
I don't mind staying up if I have the energy or chilling with people.

P!nk

Haven't put any CD in the new car yet so I was listening to radio for the first time in a while.
On the way home from work, I caught a glimpse of the past.
P!nk was on the radio with her new song, "Just Give Me a Reason."
I haven't listened to much English music for a while except the popular plays on the radios or other places.
Listening to P!nk reminds me of how great she was and she is still great.
I love her voice: husky and powerful.
Her song is really nice. It got me off guard a bit because I haven't heard something this powerful and soothing for a while on the radio. The beat, rhythm and lyrics are simple yet catchy and meaningful.
There is still hope in the music industry as long as she is making great music.

Bye Bye Memories, Hello Memories

Today, we finished the 4-year lease on our first Honda CRV (Chinese Recreational Vehicle) - this still cracks me up, we traded in for a new one.
The features are slightly different.
It feels like couple that I got that car. It was my first true SUV. I love that car. It has good handling fun. Highway was the best. It felt like it was flying. Best part, no speeding tickets.

I had a lot of fond memories while driving that car. Lots of US trips with memorable people; slightly exceeding the recommended speed limit. Shopping til the back trunk is completely full. Smell like Costco pizza or chicken. It has great cargo space.

I hope this newer edition will continue to bring me fond memories or even better memories. Here's to leasing new life in the Chinese Recreational Vehicle... what a bad pun... =___=

Dilemma

I don't know if I should happy or sad that I lost weight...
My new larger size pants and belts don't fit...
*sigh*...

Half way...

I just passed half way mark of my goal.
I was 176 lbs when I decided to lose 20 lbs by the end of summer.
I was generalizing it. In order to gain muscle, your weight should go up since muscle weighs heavier than fat.
However, I haven't been able to work out for a while due to sickness and muscle ache.
Fortunately, due to sickness, I changed my habit of eating.
I haven't eaten any food past 10:00pm.
I haven't had chips since the end of April.
I think I ate less at dinner at home.
I haven't been going out to eat for a while... since I am sick and all.
Just right now, I weighted myself at 165 lbs. That's a whooping 12 lbs difference.
I weighted myself during mornings since I don't have any food entered for at least 10 hours.
I am pretty happy about.
Once I get better and not sick anymore, I will go to the gym to burn the excess fat and start toning the body.
It feels good my tummy is flattened a bit.

Now, if I could get a dog, I could walk him/her everyday. That'll be nice.

Shine of Hope

After sharing a late night talk with a close friend, I think I have decided what to do with my situation. Funny thing about life is, you never know who is going through similar situation. I was fortunate that she forgave my absence. I was fortunate that she is willing to listen to my story. It turns out I showed up in her life at the right time to listen to her story. Life is funny this way. Thank you once again for everything tonight. It was a good talk.

Lost in the Dark

I am seeking for the light of happiness.
I am lost in dark of sorrow and sadness.

Diamond ring

Working at drive-thru, I came across a lot of people everyday.
I notice a lot of women have a nice diamond ring on their fingers.
Different size, different brightness.
The ring symbolizes eternity; not wealth.
I hope one day, I can give one to my woman.

Lost patience...

Today was not a good day overall.
Work was busy but that's not the point.
Customers were rude as hell. At many moment of the day, I wish I could throw stuff at them; yell at them; cuss at them. But nope, that's the a big no-no at retail/customer service.
The store was busy but drive-thru didn't get much help from the rest of the team. We had a line-up and customers got angry. Some customers wanted to change order at the window; other customers had to wait longer; they get angry.
It's not a good day overall.
I lost patience and thinking "fuck it".
I would say I am a patience person but today drove me over the edge.
I feel so mad that I would to talk to someone; yet, no one is here for me.
I want to scream out loud again.

Weight loss

I lost 6 lbs over the last 3 weeks...
However, I didn't change my diet.
Something is wrong with my body...
Am I dying?
Or I've been sick for a while...
Or something is wrong with my body...

When You're Gone

Wake up really early again...

This song is stuck in my head.

Every time, I think about you.

It's this song.

This one year has changed a lot.

For the both of us.

It's weird how 3 years have changed this much.

I still miss you.

Troubling thoughts

Just woke up in the middle of the night after a troubling dream...
I don't know what to make of it.
The troubling thoughts came back to haunt me.
Finally having a better sleep since sick, now I am awake.
Watched a podcast today talking about losing someone you care and love.
They said it's nature to be sad throughout the process.
It shows you have feeling for that someone.
All this time, I still do.
I can't show it because that someone doesn't feel the same way.
I still can't comprehend the fact that I lost her.
What should I do?
Letting go is not easy and I don't want to.
How can people let go of someone who mean the world to you?
I don't know how others do that...

The Simpsons: Homer Buddha

Finally received Kidrobot's Homer Buddha; thankfully, they restock.
The box was huge. I didn't expect to be the box to be that big.

Inside the box is the Homer Buddha. It doesn't have a lot of accessories, only a pretzel and a chain of beads.

This is the sealed version.
Once it's opened, you can open the beads and pretzel into his hands. Also, his head can turn.

For $50.00 USD, it was pretty good for 6 inch collectible. It was on sale for approximate $35.00 USD during Memorial Day; however, there was no sale for shipping to Canada.

Early mornings...

Lately, on my days off, like today. I am up fairly early.
It may not be 7am or 8am but still better than 12pm.
It may be my sickness, I don't know.
Usually I just sit in my bed and check emails, browse around for an hour or so.
Right now, most of the time is just thinking back the past, wishing and hoping for the future.
How much I missed out on little things that don't seem to matter.

The saying was right,
"You don't know how much something's worth until you lose it."
If I ever get it back, I would never let it go.
Every morning, I would think she would be beside me.
I would stare at her sleeping face with a silly smile.
To me, that's love.
Waking up with you beside me every morning.
Comfortable, relax, happy, secured.


Right now, I can't give any of that.
My state, my future, my attitude is not secured.
I can only work to achieve those for myself before I can offer those.
Until then, I am on my own.

Time

Time is continuously moving, even though humans created the concept of time.
However, it seems like I am always behind time.
I am lagging in terms of time.
I am always missing opportunities.
Wrong timing with planning.
Wrong timing with people.
Wrong timing with love.
When we look at time, we are already behind.
When we look at time, time is already one second ahead of us.
I am lagging more and more on time.
People on TV whom I used to watch as a kid pass away one by one.
People are getting engaged and married.
People are having kids.
Yet, I am still sitting here looking back at the past.
Lagging in time.
I don't know how to catch up.
Right now, time is against me.
Timing is everything.
I hope I can catch up.
I need to the strength to go on.
When I do catch up, I hope I am not too late.
Time does not wait for people.
Some people do not wait for people.
Only I am stupid enough to wait.

Stress...

I don't have summer school, I don't have homework, I don't have exams.
I don't care too much about work.
Yet, my body is telling me I am stressed.
I eat less. I lose my appetite easily. At least I eat less like a pig.
It should be a good thing.
However, it comes as a price.
Mentally, emotionally, I am in the dumps.
Everyday, I watch Running Man just to make myself a bit happy.
Every night, I looped my YouTube playlist to fall asleep.
I am coughing up a storm everyday.
I think depression is coming back again.

Right now, I don't have anything to look forward to.
I look at my phone for no reason.
Hoping for the impossible.
Everything is routine.
I feel... depressed...

Private Diary

My one and only private only diary will be shutting down soon due to insufficient funding.
Xanga...
I grew up with Xanga. I used to blog on Xanga.
After a heartbreak in 2007, I created a private one just for diary, usually for depressing posts.
Now that it may be shutting, I feel a little pieces of my past is breaking off again.
The worst part of all, it is shutting down on July 15, 2013.
I don't know whether that's a slap in the face or a message.
Can this year be so bad?
I feel like I am being played by life.

Xanga has always been my dark attic, my sanctuary.
With Xanga gone, I don't know where to go that can provide private thoughts.

Lullaby

Troubled sleep every night.
I feel like it's never ending.
Every morning, I wish it was just a bad dream.
It's not.

I need compilation of ballad to make me sleep.
It may not be happy ballad but it calms my mind a bit.

꺼져 줄게 잘 살아

(You) 내가 살았던 이유           (You) were my reason to live.
(You) 내가 원했던 전부           (You) were everything I’ve ever wanted.
You~
너하나만 바라봐주던 나잖아      You, it’s me, who used to care about no one else but you.
(Why) 왜 날 떠나는거야          (Why), why are you leaving from my side?
(Why) 왜 날 버리는거야          (Why), why are you throwing me away?
어차피 이럴거면서                  You were gonna be like this anyways,
왜 날 사랑한거니                    so why did you love me?


혹시 그날 생각 나          Do you remember that day,
우리 처음 만난 날          The day when we’ve met for first time?
아직도 난 생각나           I still remember it,
네가 했던 약속이           Those words you’ve promised.
나만 아껴주고                That you will only care for me,
나만 지키고                    That you will only protect me,
나만 사랑한다고            That you will only love me

Time slip...

Everyday, time seems go fly by slowly.
It gives me more time to think.
More time to feel the pain.

So many what ifs.
None of those matter anymore.
What's done is done.
I just have to endure the pain.

Someone please take the pain away from me.

>>>Love

It seems like I am the person who always love more than the other.
If there is a girl out there who is afraid to lose me as much as I am afraid to lose her, I would marry that girl.
I just want a girl who is willing to chase me back, whether it is after fights or upset situations. Because deep down, I will always forgive her if she makes the equal amount of effort.

Turbulence

Still feeling ups and downs, mostly downs.

I don't know why I am still holding on to that tiny little bit of hope, knowing damn well that it is over.

I want to tell her how I feel. At the same time, it is probably too late. Telling her now will not do any good. It feels horrible to love someone and no one knows about it. I am not talking about infatuation or crush. Real love. I have experience moment of a lifetime. Something I don't want to lose, especially a person to someone else. She is limited edition and I want her.

I want her in my life forever. However, not as a friend.. not like this right now. I need some space to think. I have put in too much time and heart and feelings into this to be friends. I just can't do it.

However, there are still so much I need to do before that... Maybe, we weren't meant to be. I don't deserve someone so great. If I do, I'll be the luckiest person in the world.

For now, I can only sit in my room and think back the past. Hopefully one day, I can relive the good memories with the same person.

Depressing thoughts...

I am really tired today but I couldn't sleep...

All these negative thoughts about the past is creeping up again. They have been affecting me everyday.
I can't seem to get rid of them.

I really need to tell someone and let them out.
I need to cry it out but I can't force the tears out.

Why did I assume it was for me?
Why did I give myself this false hope?
"Everything will be alright."
Nothing is alright right now.
I feel like punching things, throwing things, screaming in the middle of the night.
I feel like I am having an emotional breakdown leading up anytime.
Yet, I am unable to release them.

Fuck, this fucking sucks.

Outlet of emotions

It actually feels nice to be writing again.
Whether to an audience of ghost or computer search-bots, it feels nice. My soul and emotion needs some healing time. Writing does help a bit. Now I understand why people write diaries and why I started blogging for the first time. It's fun for myself. It's an outlet for panted up emotions. I feel better after every blog or diary.
My two trusty sites: Blogspot and *somewhere secret.

I will probably write more as I recover from the second Rock Bottom. I must be a horrible person if I want someone to experience this bottom pit. Some people will always say, "I know how you feel." I would always reply, "No, you don't. Fuck off!" Hahahaha.

Right now, I am truly thankful for one friend who forgave me for deserting her for past couple years. I never gave a reason; I just never respond. I met her back in high school. We would always chat about random stuff. Emotional support type of talk. I was always there to listen to her sorrows and helped her with depression. I was always a good listener to her. As close as we were, we clearly knew our boundaries; that's because we had a crush with each other at different time, ouch. We talked it over and agreed on what we are now. It's really hard for a clear-boundary guy-girl friendship. This blog turns random and rambling on again as I always do. I tend to drift away with different thoughts. I kind of like it. Maybe that's why I like ice cream. Wait... what? Just kidding... What I meant to say is why I tend to pick up different knowledge from random places. Oh... I miss my National Geographic Channel...

Religion vs. Faith

For those who read my post, probably just myself, may remember I was born and "baptized" as a Christian. I grew up in HK going to church with family and fellow brothers and sisters from church. I never had a clue about the reason.
As I grew older and learn more about other religions, I start to drift away from Christianity. It's mostly because I don't believe in one religion. All religions originate from a belief, a miracle or goal. I remember at Sunday School, a teacher told me God appears in any forms at anywhere in any given time. What if there is only one God and he appeared differently to different people? Those people see Him as a different visual and begin their religious teachings through their conversation and experience. It is a possibility.
Where am I heading with this? I have been drifted away so far that I have once associated myself as an atheist. They have their reasonable and possible explanation. I have stayed that for a while. Until...

Your life hits rock bottom. I have experienced two rock bottoms. The second one was so fresh that it still burns.
First one was getting kick out off my first university. I was a decent student until last couple years. I started to lose motivation. I lost the drive to work hard. I didn't really make any friends at university. People from my faculty aren't really my type of people. I didn't have the push from friends when I needed the most. Although I shouldn't rely on them, I made this excuse a lot in the beginning. In the end, it was my effort that leads me to this. At that moment, not only school left, my mom scolded me. My then-girlfriend left me. I had nobody to go to. I was lost and alone. That's when the first time in a while that I turn back to God. I pretty much went through 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In the end, it didn't work. I move on and slowly drifting away from God again.

The second rock bottom was recently experiencing another heartbreak... from the same person as above. We went through a lot, emotional roller coaster until last year. We decided to stop talking after long conversation between our gap. As time passes, I finally realized she has been in a relationship for almost a year now. I was crushed. All those times, I was hoping for some sort of turn around. I guess both of us were standing on firm grounds on not talking. In the end, I got burned. I am devastated. She was the world to me and my dream of having a future with her is shattered. My future was lost. I had nobody to lean on once again, as I was slowly driving people away for a while to protect her. She doesn't know how many friendship ties I had to cut to protect her. That's how much I have sacrificed. She is not a bad person, maybe I wasn't a very secure boyfriend to her. Usually, the person I would turn to is her. However, this time I can't. I turn back to God once more. I need a Guidance to show me what's next. As the compass is spinning uncontrollably in life. If someone out there actually reads all the way to the end, thank you for your time. I don't usually share this. I am not trying to convert anybody. I just want to explain first hand why people choose religion and call in God's name for help. For me, I had no one to turn to. No shelter to hide, no one to tell me "everything is going to be okay", no one to listen to my cries. I need someone to listen. God is there. He may not help me 100%, He may only guide me out of the darkness and let me work my way back, that's good enough for me. I still believe that God gives lessons and opportunities. It is up to us whether to learn from it and take the chances.

If you are atheist and don't believe in what I just said. It's ok. I understand. I was once of them. Bill Gates is an atheist but he is also an philanthropist; as long as he is doing good in the world, who cares what he believes in. Whether there is a God or not, faith, belief and action are all those matter. Don't turn away your friends like I did, they may be your guardians and help you when you need them the most.

For those I drove away, I am sorry.

Faithfulness or Stupidity

Are you or have you met someone who love a person and never stopped loving them since breaking up, until you found out that she loves someone else.
No matter how many time she has hurt, excluding cheating, and left you. You would still take her back.

Are all these acts of faithfulness or stupidity? Some may say I am stupid for unconditionally loving her. It is fine. If this is stupid, I rather be stupid. Hopefully, one day, a girl will fall in love with this stupidity and stay in love with this stupid person.

Answer

I finally find the answers to my questions.
I knew it was not possible.
How foolish of me.
The pain is seeping deeper and deeper.
Two years sure can change a lot.
I guess patience, faithfulness and loyalty are never enough.
Things can never go back the way it was.
I guess I was the only optimistic person here.
Today, it cements everything. Things just aren't meant to be.

Tears

Just when life is getting better. It always finds way to screw it up. Thanks...
This blog has been deserted for too long. Life is rough. When will I get a break? It sucks that there is no one to lean on when I am the weakest. No one to cry on (yes, guys cry). All these years of pushing people away come back to bite me. Ha. Talk about karma. More personal stuff will not be posted on here. It'll be at somewhere more private and ancient where kids these days don't know they exist.