Depression + Lonely = Suicide

After movie, CiCi and I had a brief talk about depression.
It turns out she almost took her own life four years ago.
As a close friend of her, I didn't even know about it.
She didn't plan anything. It was all impulsive.
It's shocking that I didn't know about this earlier.
I knew she had depression for a while even in high school.
I am proud of her that she tells this to everybody now and make awareness of it.
I am proud of her that she is owning her problems.
It sure is a big problem; it's similar to bully/cyber-bullying.

I remember when I went through similar situations.
I may not be as severe as CiCi; however, I can still relate to her.
When you experienced a sudden change, whether it was family, school, relationship, work or money, you feel like no one can help you.
You don't want to talk about it because you don't think they care about it or they will laugh at you.
You don't think you can trust them with the issue.
You may feel ashamed to talk about it.
You feel all alone and you are sitting in the darkness all by yourself.
The darker it gets, eerie feelings surround you.
Dark thoughts begin to consume you.
At that moment, I understand and know why some people attempted or even killed themselves.
I may not have reached the point of inflicting pain onto myself or others but I understand this issue better first hand.

No one is there to console you; no one is there to help you; no one is there to comfort you.
You are hopeless.
Suicide from emotions is usually long time brewing.
When your mentality can't take it anymore, you snap.
There is no planning, you just proceed what your mind tells you.
You isolate yourself even more unless someone stops and helps you.
Some unfortunate souls disappear into the world without people knowing.
All we need is someone to care and listen.
It sounds simple, yet, it's difficult to trust others to help us.
Be thankful, you have people like those around.
Be a good friend and listen to their problems.
One day, you may bring them out of their darkness and save their lives.
Because not everybody is that lucky.

Religion vs. Faith

For those who read my post, probably just myself, may remember I was born and "baptized" as a Christian. I grew up in HK going to church with family and fellow brothers and sisters from church. I never had a clue about the reason.
As I grew older and learn more about other religions, I start to drift away from Christianity. It's mostly because I don't believe in one religion. All religions originate from a belief, a miracle or goal. I remember at Sunday School, a teacher told me God appears in any forms at anywhere in any given time. What if there is only one God and he appeared differently to different people? Those people see Him as a different visual and begin their religious teachings through their conversation and experience. It is a possibility.
Where am I heading with this? I have been drifted away so far that I have once associated myself as an atheist. They have their reasonable and possible explanation. I have stayed that for a while. Until...

Your life hits rock bottom. I have experienced two rock bottoms. The second one was so fresh that it still burns.
First one was getting kick out off my first university. I was a decent student until last couple years. I started to lose motivation. I lost the drive to work hard. I didn't really make any friends at university. People from my faculty aren't really my type of people. I didn't have the push from friends when I needed the most. Although I shouldn't rely on them, I made this excuse a lot in the beginning. In the end, it was my effort that leads me to this. At that moment, not only school left, my mom scolded me. My then-girlfriend left me. I had nobody to go to. I was lost and alone. That's when the first time in a while that I turn back to God. I pretty much went through 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In the end, it didn't work. I move on and slowly drifting away from God again.

The second rock bottom was recently experiencing another heartbreak... from the same person as above. We went through a lot, emotional roller coaster until last year. We decided to stop talking after long conversation between our gap. As time passes, I finally realized she has been in a relationship for almost a year now. I was crushed. All those times, I was hoping for some sort of turn around. I guess both of us were standing on firm grounds on not talking. In the end, I got burned. I am devastated. She was the world to me and my dream of having a future with her is shattered. My future was lost. I had nobody to lean on once again, as I was slowly driving people away for a while to protect her. She doesn't know how many friendship ties I had to cut to protect her. That's how much I have sacrificed. She is not a bad person, maybe I wasn't a very secure boyfriend to her. Usually, the person I would turn to is her. However, this time I can't. I turn back to God once more. I need a Guidance to show me what's next. As the compass is spinning uncontrollably in life. If someone out there actually reads all the way to the end, thank you for your time. I don't usually share this. I am not trying to convert anybody. I just want to explain first hand why people choose religion and call in God's name for help. For me, I had no one to turn to. No shelter to hide, no one to tell me "everything is going to be okay", no one to listen to my cries. I need someone to listen. God is there. He may not help me 100%, He may only guide me out of the darkness and let me work my way back, that's good enough for me. I still believe that God gives lessons and opportunities. It is up to us whether to learn from it and take the chances.

If you are atheist and don't believe in what I just said. It's ok. I understand. I was once of them. Bill Gates is an atheist but he is also an philanthropist; as long as he is doing good in the world, who cares what he believes in. Whether there is a God or not, faith, belief and action are all those matter. Don't turn away your friends like I did, they may be your guardians and help you when you need them the most.

For those I drove away, I am sorry.