(You) 내가 살았던 이유 (You) were my reason to live.
(You) 내가 원했던 전부 (You) were everything I’ve ever wanted.
You~
너하나만 바라봐주던 나잖아 You, it’s me, who used to care about no one else but you.
(Why) 왜 날 떠나는거야 (Why), why are you leaving from my side?
(Why) 왜 날 버리는거야 (Why), why are you throwing me away?
어차피 이럴거면서 You were gonna be like this anyways,
왜 날 사랑한거니 so why did you love me?
혹시 그날 생각 나 Do you remember that day,
우리 처음 만난 날 The day when we’ve met for first time?
아직도 난 생각나 I still remember it,
네가 했던 약속이 Those words you’ve promised.
나만 아껴주고 That you will only care for me,
나만 지키고 That you will only protect me,
나만 사랑한다고 That you will only love me
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Time slip...
Everyday, time seems go fly by slowly.
It gives me more time to think.
More time to feel the pain.
So many what ifs.
None of those matter anymore.
What's done is done.
I just have to endure the pain.
Someone please take the pain away from me.
It gives me more time to think.
More time to feel the pain.
So many what ifs.
None of those matter anymore.
What's done is done.
I just have to endure the pain.
Someone please take the pain away from me.
>>>Love
It seems like I am the person who always love more than the other.
If there is a girl out there who is afraid to lose me as much as I am afraid to lose her, I would marry that girl.
I just want a girl who is willing to chase me back, whether it is after fights or upset situations. Because deep down, I will always forgive her if she makes the equal amount of effort.
If there is a girl out there who is afraid to lose me as much as I am afraid to lose her, I would marry that girl.
I just want a girl who is willing to chase me back, whether it is after fights or upset situations. Because deep down, I will always forgive her if she makes the equal amount of effort.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Turbulence
Still feeling ups and downs, mostly downs.
I don't know why I am still holding on to that tiny little bit of hope, knowing damn well that it is over.
I want to tell her how I feel. At the same time, it is probably too late. Telling her now will not do any good. It feels horrible to love someone and no one knows about it. I am not talking about infatuation or crush. Real love. I have experience moment of a lifetime. Something I don't want to lose, especially a person to someone else. She is limited edition and I want her.
I want her in my life forever. However, not as a friend.. not like this right now. I need some space to think. I have put in too much time and heart and feelings into this to be friends. I just can't do it.
However, there are still so much I need to do before that... Maybe, we weren't meant to be. I don't deserve someone so great. If I do, I'll be the luckiest person in the world.
For now, I can only sit in my room and think back the past. Hopefully one day, I can relive the good memories with the same person.
I don't know why I am still holding on to that tiny little bit of hope, knowing damn well that it is over.
I want to tell her how I feel. At the same time, it is probably too late. Telling her now will not do any good. It feels horrible to love someone and no one knows about it. I am not talking about infatuation or crush. Real love. I have experience moment of a lifetime. Something I don't want to lose, especially a person to someone else. She is limited edition and I want her.
I want her in my life forever. However, not as a friend.. not like this right now. I need some space to think. I have put in too much time and heart and feelings into this to be friends. I just can't do it.
However, there are still so much I need to do before that... Maybe, we weren't meant to be. I don't deserve someone so great. If I do, I'll be the luckiest person in the world.
For now, I can only sit in my room and think back the past. Hopefully one day, I can relive the good memories with the same person.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Depressing thoughts...
I am really tired today but I couldn't sleep...
All these negative thoughts about the past is creeping up again. They have been affecting me everyday.
I can't seem to get rid of them.
I really need to tell someone and let them out.
I need to cry it out but I can't force the tears out.
Why did I assume it was for me?
Why did I give myself this false hope?
"Everything will be alright."
Nothing is alright right now.
I feel like punching things, throwing things, screaming in the middle of the night.
I feel like I am having an emotional breakdown leading up anytime.
Yet, I am unable to release them.
Fuck, this fucking sucks.
All these negative thoughts about the past is creeping up again. They have been affecting me everyday.
I can't seem to get rid of them.
I really need to tell someone and let them out.
I need to cry it out but I can't force the tears out.
Why did I assume it was for me?
Why did I give myself this false hope?
"Everything will be alright."
Nothing is alright right now.
I feel like punching things, throwing things, screaming in the middle of the night.
I feel like I am having an emotional breakdown leading up anytime.
Yet, I am unable to release them.
Fuck, this fucking sucks.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Outlet of emotions
It actually feels nice to be writing again.
Whether to an audience of ghost or computer search-bots, it feels nice. My soul and emotion needs some healing time. Writing does help a bit. Now I understand why people write diaries and why I started blogging for the first time. It's fun for myself. It's an outlet for panted up emotions. I feel better after every blog or diary.
My two trusty sites: Blogspot and *somewhere secret.
I will probably write more as I recover from the second Rock Bottom. I must be a horrible person if I want someone to experience this bottom pit. Some people will always say, "I know how you feel." I would always reply, "No, you don't. Fuck off!" Hahahaha.
Right now, I am truly thankful for one friend who forgave me for deserting her for past couple years. I never gave a reason; I just never respond. I met her back in high school. We would always chat about random stuff. Emotional support type of talk. I was always there to listen to her sorrows and helped her with depression. I was always a good listener to her. As close as we were, we clearly knew our boundaries; that's because we had a crush with each other at different time, ouch. We talked it over and agreed on what we are now. It's really hard for a clear-boundary guy-girl friendship. This blog turns random and rambling on again as I always do. I tend to drift away with different thoughts. I kind of like it. Maybe that's why I like ice cream. Wait... what? Just kidding... What I meant to say is why I tend to pick up different knowledge from random places. Oh... I miss my National Geographic Channel...
Whether to an audience of ghost or computer search-bots, it feels nice. My soul and emotion needs some healing time. Writing does help a bit. Now I understand why people write diaries and why I started blogging for the first time. It's fun for myself. It's an outlet for panted up emotions. I feel better after every blog or diary.
My two trusty sites: Blogspot and *somewhere secret.
I will probably write more as I recover from the second Rock Bottom. I must be a horrible person if I want someone to experience this bottom pit. Some people will always say, "I know how you feel." I would always reply, "No, you don't. Fuck off!" Hahahaha.
Right now, I am truly thankful for one friend who forgave me for deserting her for past couple years. I never gave a reason; I just never respond. I met her back in high school. We would always chat about random stuff. Emotional support type of talk. I was always there to listen to her sorrows and helped her with depression. I was always a good listener to her. As close as we were, we clearly knew our boundaries; that's because we had a crush with each other at different time, ouch. We talked it over and agreed on what we are now. It's really hard for a clear-boundary guy-girl friendship. This blog turns random and rambling on again as I always do. I tend to drift away with different thoughts. I kind of like it. Maybe that's why I like ice cream. Wait... what? Just kidding... What I meant to say is why I tend to pick up different knowledge from random places. Oh... I miss my National Geographic Channel...
Religion vs. Faith
For those who read my post, probably just myself, may remember I was born and "baptized" as a Christian. I grew up in HK going to church with family and fellow brothers and sisters from church. I never had a clue about the reason.
As I grew older and learn more about other religions, I start to drift away from Christianity. It's mostly because I don't believe in one religion. All religions originate from a belief, a miracle or goal. I remember at Sunday School, a teacher told me God appears in any forms at anywhere in any given time. What if there is only one God and he appeared differently to different people? Those people see Him as a different visual and begin their religious teachings through their conversation and experience. It is a possibility.
Where am I heading with this? I have been drifted away so far that I have once associated myself as an atheist. They have their reasonable and possible explanation. I have stayed that for a while. Until...
Your life hits rock bottom. I have experienced two rock bottoms. The second one was so fresh that it still burns.
First one was getting kick out off my first university. I was a decent student until last couple years. I started to lose motivation. I lost the drive to work hard. I didn't really make any friends at university. People from my faculty aren't really my type of people. I didn't have the push from friends when I needed the most. Although I shouldn't rely on them, I made this excuse a lot in the beginning. In the end, it was my effort that leads me to this. At that moment, not only school left, my mom scolded me. My then-girlfriend left me. I had nobody to go to. I was lost and alone. That's when the first time in a while that I turn back to God. I pretty much went through 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In the end, it didn't work. I move on and slowly drifting away from God again.
The second rock bottom was recently experiencing another heartbreak... from the same person as above. We went through a lot, emotional roller coaster until last year. We decided to stop talking after long conversation between our gap. As time passes, I finally realized she has been in a relationship for almost a year now. I was crushed. All those times, I was hoping for some sort of turn around. I guess both of us were standing on firm grounds on not talking. In the end, I got burned. I am devastated. She was the world to me and my dream of having a future with her is shattered. My future was lost. I had nobody to lean on once again, as I was slowly driving people away for a while to protect her. She doesn't know how many friendship ties I had to cut to protect her. That's how much I have sacrificed. She is not a bad person, maybe I wasn't a very secure boyfriend to her. Usually, the person I would turn to is her. However, this time I can't. I turn back to God once more. I need a Guidance to show me what's next. As the compass is spinning uncontrollably in life. If someone out there actually reads all the way to the end, thank you for your time. I don't usually share this. I am not trying to convert anybody. I just want to explain first hand why people choose religion and call in God's name for help. For me, I had no one to turn to. No shelter to hide, no one to tell me "everything is going to be okay", no one to listen to my cries. I need someone to listen. God is there. He may not help me 100%, He may only guide me out of the darkness and let me work my way back, that's good enough for me. I still believe that God gives lessons and opportunities. It is up to us whether to learn from it and take the chances.
If you are atheist and don't believe in what I just said. It's ok. I understand. I was once of them. Bill Gates is an atheist but he is also an philanthropist; as long as he is doing good in the world, who cares what he believes in. Whether there is a God or not, faith, belief and action are all those matter. Don't turn away your friends like I did, they may be your guardians and help you when you need them the most.
For those I drove away, I am sorry.
As I grew older and learn more about other religions, I start to drift away from Christianity. It's mostly because I don't believe in one religion. All religions originate from a belief, a miracle or goal. I remember at Sunday School, a teacher told me God appears in any forms at anywhere in any given time. What if there is only one God and he appeared differently to different people? Those people see Him as a different visual and begin their religious teachings through their conversation and experience. It is a possibility.
Where am I heading with this? I have been drifted away so far that I have once associated myself as an atheist. They have their reasonable and possible explanation. I have stayed that for a while. Until...
Your life hits rock bottom. I have experienced two rock bottoms. The second one was so fresh that it still burns.
First one was getting kick out off my first university. I was a decent student until last couple years. I started to lose motivation. I lost the drive to work hard. I didn't really make any friends at university. People from my faculty aren't really my type of people. I didn't have the push from friends when I needed the most. Although I shouldn't rely on them, I made this excuse a lot in the beginning. In the end, it was my effort that leads me to this. At that moment, not only school left, my mom scolded me. My then-girlfriend left me. I had nobody to go to. I was lost and alone. That's when the first time in a while that I turn back to God. I pretty much went through 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In the end, it didn't work. I move on and slowly drifting away from God again.
The second rock bottom was recently experiencing another heartbreak... from the same person as above. We went through a lot, emotional roller coaster until last year. We decided to stop talking after long conversation between our gap. As time passes, I finally realized she has been in a relationship for almost a year now. I was crushed. All those times, I was hoping for some sort of turn around. I guess both of us were standing on firm grounds on not talking. In the end, I got burned. I am devastated. She was the world to me and my dream of having a future with her is shattered. My future was lost. I had nobody to lean on once again, as I was slowly driving people away for a while to protect her. She doesn't know how many friendship ties I had to cut to protect her. That's how much I have sacrificed. She is not a bad person, maybe I wasn't a very secure boyfriend to her. Usually, the person I would turn to is her. However, this time I can't. I turn back to God once more. I need a Guidance to show me what's next. As the compass is spinning uncontrollably in life. If someone out there actually reads all the way to the end, thank you for your time. I don't usually share this. I am not trying to convert anybody. I just want to explain first hand why people choose religion and call in God's name for help. For me, I had no one to turn to. No shelter to hide, no one to tell me "everything is going to be okay", no one to listen to my cries. I need someone to listen. God is there. He may not help me 100%, He may only guide me out of the darkness and let me work my way back, that's good enough for me. I still believe that God gives lessons and opportunities. It is up to us whether to learn from it and take the chances.
If you are atheist and don't believe in what I just said. It's ok. I understand. I was once of them. Bill Gates is an atheist but he is also an philanthropist; as long as he is doing good in the world, who cares what he believes in. Whether there is a God or not, faith, belief and action are all those matter. Don't turn away your friends like I did, they may be your guardians and help you when you need them the most.
For those I drove away, I am sorry.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)