Outlet of emotions

It actually feels nice to be writing again.
Whether to an audience of ghost or computer search-bots, it feels nice. My soul and emotion needs some healing time. Writing does help a bit. Now I understand why people write diaries and why I started blogging for the first time. It's fun for myself. It's an outlet for panted up emotions. I feel better after every blog or diary.
My two trusty sites: Blogspot and *somewhere secret.

I will probably write more as I recover from the second Rock Bottom. I must be a horrible person if I want someone to experience this bottom pit. Some people will always say, "I know how you feel." I would always reply, "No, you don't. Fuck off!" Hahahaha.

Right now, I am truly thankful for one friend who forgave me for deserting her for past couple years. I never gave a reason; I just never respond. I met her back in high school. We would always chat about random stuff. Emotional support type of talk. I was always there to listen to her sorrows and helped her with depression. I was always a good listener to her. As close as we were, we clearly knew our boundaries; that's because we had a crush with each other at different time, ouch. We talked it over and agreed on what we are now. It's really hard for a clear-boundary guy-girl friendship. This blog turns random and rambling on again as I always do. I tend to drift away with different thoughts. I kind of like it. Maybe that's why I like ice cream. Wait... what? Just kidding... What I meant to say is why I tend to pick up different knowledge from random places. Oh... I miss my National Geographic Channel...

Religion vs. Faith

For those who read my post, probably just myself, may remember I was born and "baptized" as a Christian. I grew up in HK going to church with family and fellow brothers and sisters from church. I never had a clue about the reason.
As I grew older and learn more about other religions, I start to drift away from Christianity. It's mostly because I don't believe in one religion. All religions originate from a belief, a miracle or goal. I remember at Sunday School, a teacher told me God appears in any forms at anywhere in any given time. What if there is only one God and he appeared differently to different people? Those people see Him as a different visual and begin their religious teachings through their conversation and experience. It is a possibility.
Where am I heading with this? I have been drifted away so far that I have once associated myself as an atheist. They have their reasonable and possible explanation. I have stayed that for a while. Until...

Your life hits rock bottom. I have experienced two rock bottoms. The second one was so fresh that it still burns.
First one was getting kick out off my first university. I was a decent student until last couple years. I started to lose motivation. I lost the drive to work hard. I didn't really make any friends at university. People from my faculty aren't really my type of people. I didn't have the push from friends when I needed the most. Although I shouldn't rely on them, I made this excuse a lot in the beginning. In the end, it was my effort that leads me to this. At that moment, not only school left, my mom scolded me. My then-girlfriend left me. I had nobody to go to. I was lost and alone. That's when the first time in a while that I turn back to God. I pretty much went through 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In the end, it didn't work. I move on and slowly drifting away from God again.

The second rock bottom was recently experiencing another heartbreak... from the same person as above. We went through a lot, emotional roller coaster until last year. We decided to stop talking after long conversation between our gap. As time passes, I finally realized she has been in a relationship for almost a year now. I was crushed. All those times, I was hoping for some sort of turn around. I guess both of us were standing on firm grounds on not talking. In the end, I got burned. I am devastated. She was the world to me and my dream of having a future with her is shattered. My future was lost. I had nobody to lean on once again, as I was slowly driving people away for a while to protect her. She doesn't know how many friendship ties I had to cut to protect her. That's how much I have sacrificed. She is not a bad person, maybe I wasn't a very secure boyfriend to her. Usually, the person I would turn to is her. However, this time I can't. I turn back to God once more. I need a Guidance to show me what's next. As the compass is spinning uncontrollably in life. If someone out there actually reads all the way to the end, thank you for your time. I don't usually share this. I am not trying to convert anybody. I just want to explain first hand why people choose religion and call in God's name for help. For me, I had no one to turn to. No shelter to hide, no one to tell me "everything is going to be okay", no one to listen to my cries. I need someone to listen. God is there. He may not help me 100%, He may only guide me out of the darkness and let me work my way back, that's good enough for me. I still believe that God gives lessons and opportunities. It is up to us whether to learn from it and take the chances.

If you are atheist and don't believe in what I just said. It's ok. I understand. I was once of them. Bill Gates is an atheist but he is also an philanthropist; as long as he is doing good in the world, who cares what he believes in. Whether there is a God or not, faith, belief and action are all those matter. Don't turn away your friends like I did, they may be your guardians and help you when you need them the most.

For those I drove away, I am sorry.

Faithfulness or Stupidity

Are you or have you met someone who love a person and never stopped loving them since breaking up, until you found out that she loves someone else.
No matter how many time she has hurt, excluding cheating, and left you. You would still take her back.

Are all these acts of faithfulness or stupidity? Some may say I am stupid for unconditionally loving her. It is fine. If this is stupid, I rather be stupid. Hopefully, one day, a girl will fall in love with this stupidity and stay in love with this stupid person.

Answer

I finally find the answers to my questions.
I knew it was not possible.
How foolish of me.
The pain is seeping deeper and deeper.
Two years sure can change a lot.
I guess patience, faithfulness and loyalty are never enough.
Things can never go back the way it was.
I guess I was the only optimistic person here.
Today, it cements everything. Things just aren't meant to be.

Tears

Just when life is getting better. It always finds way to screw it up. Thanks...
This blog has been deserted for too long. Life is rough. When will I get a break? It sucks that there is no one to lean on when I am the weakest. No one to cry on (yes, guys cry). All these years of pushing people away come back to bite me. Ha. Talk about karma. More personal stuff will not be posted on here. It'll be at somewhere more private and ancient where kids these days don't know they exist.

SCREAM

Sometimes, I feel like screaming my lungs out. You know, in those movies, where people stand atop of a tall building or mountain top and just... SCREAM! All the frustration will unleash. How can some people are so ignorant? When I am trying to teach them to use certain things, they acknowledge it and think they know how to use it. Afterwards, they complain and blame the product as defective. I don't have problems using it. I even show them how to use it and recreate the scenario. Yet, they don't process the learning. Am I not destined to do well in school? Whenever I am determined to study and work hard, certain things always come up and screw it up. I feel defeated. Defeated in life... when I look at others, they have relationships, good job, supportive parents, core friends from blocks away. Mine is opposite. I feel so lonely and I really want to scream... A scream fill with sorrow, pain and tears.

Other Side of the Counter

"Customer is always right." That's the slogan if you work(ed) at any customer service. They said this to provide the best customer service and experience to consumers. However, it is not always right. I have been on the other side of the counter for more than 18 months. I would not consider myself a veteran but I have seen, heard and experienced enough customers to understand when to give them the best customer service and when to hint to them that they are delusional. When we made a mistake, we live up to the slogan and fix our mistakes. Sometimes, they may have misheard us and agreed with our mistakes. Sure, we can correct the problem. However, the following problems are when they pissed me off. - Get angry because we screwed up a drink when they did not specify any modifications/needs in the beginning. - Get angry because they waited their ONE AND ONLY drink for too long at drive-through when there is already a line-up to start with while the lobby is empty. It's your own fault that you are so lazy to leave your car. Not everybody is getting ONE drink. Be considerate. - Get angry because we repeat the drink at the order that is different from yours even though it is the exact same drink. - When we asked, "Is that everything for you?" You said, "Yes." Then, you added more stuff afterwards. - Do not complain to us about not getting certain products late in the afternoon when you already know how popular and how often they are gone by morning. - When we said, "One moment please." Do not start ordering. - Do not "Hello" us first and repeat it many times. We "Hello" you first. If we do not, we have legitimate reasons. We are most 95% busy. The 5% is that we are closed. Best ways to receive excellent customer service: - Be courteous - Be polite - Be clear - Be understanding - Be considerate All these actions will receive excellent customer service in return. Customer service representatives are human beings, too. Most food and services like their customers leave happy. This is a win-win situation for both side of the counter. However, if you are dealing with telecommunication companies, yelling is an effective option. Especially, when the representatives are blaming difficulties on your behalf. Their slogan is more, "Company is always right."