It actually feels nice to be writing again.
Whether to an audience of ghost or computer search-bots, it feels nice.
My soul and emotion needs some healing time.
Writing does help a bit.
Now I understand why people write diaries and why I started blogging for the first time.
It's fun for myself.
It's an outlet for panted up emotions.
I feel better after every blog or diary.
My two trusty sites: Blogspot and *somewhere secret.
I will probably write more as I recover from the second Rock Bottom.
I must be a horrible person if I want someone to experience this bottom pit.
Some people will always say, "I know how you feel."
I would always reply, "No, you don't. Fuck off!" Hahahaha.
Right now, I am truly thankful for one friend who forgave me for deserting her for past couple years.
I never gave a reason; I just never respond.
I met her back in high school. We would always chat about random stuff. Emotional support type of talk. I was always there to listen to her sorrows and helped her with depression. I was always a good listener to her. As close as we were, we clearly knew our boundaries; that's because we had a crush with each other at different time, ouch. We talked it over and agreed on what we are now. It's really hard for a clear-boundary guy-girl friendship.
This blog turns random and rambling on again as I always do. I tend to drift away with different thoughts. I kind of like it. Maybe that's why I like ice cream. Wait... what?
Just kidding... What I meant to say is why I tend to pick up different knowledge from random places. Oh... I miss my National Geographic Channel...
Friday, May 31, 2013
Religion vs. Faith
For those who read my post, probably just myself, may remember I was born and "baptized" as a Christian. I grew up in HK going to church with family and fellow brothers and sisters from church. I never had a clue about the reason.
As I grew older and learn more about other religions, I start to drift away from Christianity. It's mostly because I don't believe in one religion. All religions originate from a belief, a miracle or goal. I remember at Sunday School, a teacher told me God appears in any forms at anywhere in any given time. What if there is only one God and he appeared differently to different people? Those people see Him as a different visual and begin their religious teachings through their conversation and experience. It is a possibility.
Where am I heading with this? I have been drifted away so far that I have once associated myself as an atheist. They have their reasonable and possible explanation. I have stayed that for a while. Until...
Your life hits rock bottom. I have experienced two rock bottoms. The second one was so fresh that it still burns.
First one was getting kick out off my first university. I was a decent student until last couple years. I started to lose motivation. I lost the drive to work hard. I didn't really make any friends at university. People from my faculty aren't really my type of people. I didn't have the push from friends when I needed the most. Although I shouldn't rely on them, I made this excuse a lot in the beginning. In the end, it was my effort that leads me to this. At that moment, not only school left, my mom scolded me. My then-girlfriend left me. I had nobody to go to. I was lost and alone. That's when the first time in a while that I turn back to God. I pretty much went through 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In the end, it didn't work. I move on and slowly drifting away from God again.
The second rock bottom was recently experiencing another heartbreak... from the same person as above. We went through a lot, emotional roller coaster until last year. We decided to stop talking after long conversation between our gap. As time passes, I finally realized she has been in a relationship for almost a year now. I was crushed. All those times, I was hoping for some sort of turn around. I guess both of us were standing on firm grounds on not talking. In the end, I got burned. I am devastated. She was the world to me and my dream of having a future with her is shattered. My future was lost. I had nobody to lean on once again, as I was slowly driving people away for a while to protect her. She doesn't know how many friendship ties I had to cut to protect her. That's how much I have sacrificed. She is not a bad person, maybe I wasn't a very secure boyfriend to her. Usually, the person I would turn to is her. However, this time I can't. I turn back to God once more. I need a Guidance to show me what's next. As the compass is spinning uncontrollably in life. If someone out there actually reads all the way to the end, thank you for your time. I don't usually share this. I am not trying to convert anybody. I just want to explain first hand why people choose religion and call in God's name for help. For me, I had no one to turn to. No shelter to hide, no one to tell me "everything is going to be okay", no one to listen to my cries. I need someone to listen. God is there. He may not help me 100%, He may only guide me out of the darkness and let me work my way back, that's good enough for me. I still believe that God gives lessons and opportunities. It is up to us whether to learn from it and take the chances.
If you are atheist and don't believe in what I just said. It's ok. I understand. I was once of them. Bill Gates is an atheist but he is also an philanthropist; as long as he is doing good in the world, who cares what he believes in. Whether there is a God or not, faith, belief and action are all those matter. Don't turn away your friends like I did, they may be your guardians and help you when you need them the most.
For those I drove away, I am sorry.
As I grew older and learn more about other religions, I start to drift away from Christianity. It's mostly because I don't believe in one religion. All religions originate from a belief, a miracle or goal. I remember at Sunday School, a teacher told me God appears in any forms at anywhere in any given time. What if there is only one God and he appeared differently to different people? Those people see Him as a different visual and begin their religious teachings through their conversation and experience. It is a possibility.
Where am I heading with this? I have been drifted away so far that I have once associated myself as an atheist. They have their reasonable and possible explanation. I have stayed that for a while. Until...
Your life hits rock bottom. I have experienced two rock bottoms. The second one was so fresh that it still burns.
First one was getting kick out off my first university. I was a decent student until last couple years. I started to lose motivation. I lost the drive to work hard. I didn't really make any friends at university. People from my faculty aren't really my type of people. I didn't have the push from friends when I needed the most. Although I shouldn't rely on them, I made this excuse a lot in the beginning. In the end, it was my effort that leads me to this. At that moment, not only school left, my mom scolded me. My then-girlfriend left me. I had nobody to go to. I was lost and alone. That's when the first time in a while that I turn back to God. I pretty much went through 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In the end, it didn't work. I move on and slowly drifting away from God again.
The second rock bottom was recently experiencing another heartbreak... from the same person as above. We went through a lot, emotional roller coaster until last year. We decided to stop talking after long conversation between our gap. As time passes, I finally realized she has been in a relationship for almost a year now. I was crushed. All those times, I was hoping for some sort of turn around. I guess both of us were standing on firm grounds on not talking. In the end, I got burned. I am devastated. She was the world to me and my dream of having a future with her is shattered. My future was lost. I had nobody to lean on once again, as I was slowly driving people away for a while to protect her. She doesn't know how many friendship ties I had to cut to protect her. That's how much I have sacrificed. She is not a bad person, maybe I wasn't a very secure boyfriend to her. Usually, the person I would turn to is her. However, this time I can't. I turn back to God once more. I need a Guidance to show me what's next. As the compass is spinning uncontrollably in life. If someone out there actually reads all the way to the end, thank you for your time. I don't usually share this. I am not trying to convert anybody. I just want to explain first hand why people choose religion and call in God's name for help. For me, I had no one to turn to. No shelter to hide, no one to tell me "everything is going to be okay", no one to listen to my cries. I need someone to listen. God is there. He may not help me 100%, He may only guide me out of the darkness and let me work my way back, that's good enough for me. I still believe that God gives lessons and opportunities. It is up to us whether to learn from it and take the chances.
If you are atheist and don't believe in what I just said. It's ok. I understand. I was once of them. Bill Gates is an atheist but he is also an philanthropist; as long as he is doing good in the world, who cares what he believes in. Whether there is a God or not, faith, belief and action are all those matter. Don't turn away your friends like I did, they may be your guardians and help you when you need them the most.
For those I drove away, I am sorry.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Faithfulness or Stupidity
Are you or have you met someone who love a person and never stopped loving them since breaking up, until you found out that she loves someone else.
No matter how many time she has hurt, excluding cheating, and left you. You would still take her back.
Are all these acts of faithfulness or stupidity? Some may say I am stupid for unconditionally loving her. It is fine. If this is stupid, I rather be stupid. Hopefully, one day, a girl will fall in love with this stupidity and stay in love with this stupid person.
No matter how many time she has hurt, excluding cheating, and left you. You would still take her back.
Are all these acts of faithfulness or stupidity? Some may say I am stupid for unconditionally loving her. It is fine. If this is stupid, I rather be stupid. Hopefully, one day, a girl will fall in love with this stupidity and stay in love with this stupid person.
Answer
I finally find the answers to my questions.
I knew it was not possible.
How foolish of me.
The pain is seeping deeper and deeper.
Two years sure can change a lot.
I guess patience, faithfulness and loyalty are never enough.
Things can never go back the way it was.
I guess I was the only optimistic person here.
Today, it cements everything. Things just aren't meant to be.
I knew it was not possible.
How foolish of me.
The pain is seeping deeper and deeper.
Two years sure can change a lot.
I guess patience, faithfulness and loyalty are never enough.
Things can never go back the way it was.
I guess I was the only optimistic person here.
Today, it cements everything. Things just aren't meant to be.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Tears
Just when life is getting better. It always finds way to screw it up. Thanks...
This blog has been deserted for too long. Life is rough. When will I get a break? It sucks that there is no one to lean on when I am the weakest. No one to cry on (yes, guys cry). All these years of pushing people away come back to bite me. Ha. Talk about karma. More personal stuff will not be posted on here. It'll be at somewhere more private and ancient where kids these days don't know they exist.
This blog has been deserted for too long. Life is rough. When will I get a break? It sucks that there is no one to lean on when I am the weakest. No one to cry on (yes, guys cry). All these years of pushing people away come back to bite me. Ha. Talk about karma. More personal stuff will not be posted on here. It'll be at somewhere more private and ancient where kids these days don't know they exist.
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